At my parish, Holy Apostles, we celebrated our 3 year Anniversary for Perpetual Adoration. As part of the event several of us had the opportunity to share a short reflection on how Adoration has made an impact in our lives. Below you will find my full talk prior to shortening the one I gave at the event.
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Today I stand before you with the desire to share how spending time with Jesus in Adoration has impacted my life. I will admit that this is a challenge to put into words because the time we have to sit face to face with our Lord Jesus is such a personal experience as you gaze upon Him and He gazes back at you. But today I would like to give you the opportunity to have a tiny glimpse into my witness.
When I first came to Holy Apostles and attended the Welcome retreat, that weekend put a crack in the shield around my heart that I had built because of past hurts and mistakes and fear of trusting others. But during that weekend Jesus worked through the other women’s words, actions, and kindness to slowly open that crack to what was the beginning of letting Jesus and others back in.
After that weekend I remember meeting with Fr. Jim for the first time. As I entered this meeting I was surrounded in the confusion that was being revealed from this opening around my heart and Fr. Jim encouraged me to go to Adoration and to pray. Now I was mainly a “doer”, someone who liked to serve others and this is how I had felt closest to our God. But to be encouraged to actually stop and sit with our Lord was a challenge for me. In my past I had opportunities of retreat and reflection but I never truly had a set pattern of prayer in my daily life.
As I began to go to our Adoration chapel and adore, with each visit Jesus was slowly opening my heart just a little bit more. Recently a friend of mine shared with me a song called “Way maker” and as I was reflecting on this talk the lyrics jumped out at me because they fit into this story. In the lyrics we hear “even when I don’t see that you’re working, even when I don’t feel you working, you never stop working”. How powerful are those words. At the time I wasn’t recognizing what was happening but with each visit to the Adoration chapel (adoring face to face) or the main church in front of the tabernacle (sometimes I just need those days to speak out loud and that does not work well if you are in a room with others), and attending daily Mass (receiving our Lord), I was growing deeper in prayer with Jesus, and as that relationship grew I found myself opening up more to those around me.
I finally began to understand that in order “to do” you must first “be with our Lord”. Daily prayer and Mass fills us so that we are sustained and rejuvenated in order to do the work that the Lord is asking of us. When I was at Neumann College I remember hearing a reflection at one point where the speaker had a large glass and then a pitcher of water. They shared that our spiritual “food” is the water pouring into the glass and as we are filled then our care and compassion overflows to others around us. And if we stop taking the time for that nourishment then we are empty and having nothing left to give. That has always stuck with me.
One day in Adoration was the day that Jesus decided it was time to turn my life upside down in a positive way. Fr. Lawrence tells us to be specific in our prayers and as I look back I was specific on that day. I asked Jesus “what is it that you want from me and my life”. As I continued with my prayer it was as if a movie reel began to play in my mind and I could see images of people and places that I have served through the years and at the end of this reel were habited sisters. Then I began to feel this pull on my heart and a connection to the images of the habited sisters remained in my mind as I gazed at Jesus and He gazed back at me. I remember feeling overwhelmed with a sense of love that filled me and a mysterious knowledge that this was His answer to my question.
After this experience I went to Fr. Jim and remember telling him that I thought I was going crazy. First I have never experienced anything like that before in my life and I did not know how to make sense of what happened. And second I have made so many mistakes in my life and there is no way that God would call me to Religious life. Fr. Jim shared that Jesus is trying to speak to me and I should continue to take what I have seen to Adoration, to prayer. A few weeks later I shared with Fr. Jim that in my heart I can say that Jesus may be calling me to be a Religious Sister. So Fr. Jim shared to continue to pray and see what is revealed.
Now hearing that the answer was to continue to pray was an interesting struggle for me. The reason is that with prayer there is no timeline. Now as an athlete you always have goals or something to strive for as you compete in order to better yourself and to push yourself to a higher level. But now I was being asked to pray and allow the Lord to speak to my heart. It was as if I was stepping into the world of the abstract and this was unfamiliar territory for me. But I trusted in the encouragement of my “spiritual father”.
After further prayer and discussions I decided to ask more questions about Religious Life and during the summer I attended the Vocation Awareness Program in Dallas, Texas. This weekend was setup with talks, discussion, one-on-one time, fellowship and many opportunities for prayer, including Adoration. The last night of the weekend this was another pivotal moment where Jesus spoke to me in Adoration. As I watched the incense fill the air I heard Jesus speak to me that it was time to let go and forgive. This was a powerful moment and hard to put into words because Jesus brought this up to me and it had not been anywhere in my mind throughout this weekend. But when I looked back on this moment I could see how it was as if Jesus knew that the forgiveness was needed in order to fully immerse myself into this call from God to Religious Life. In that chapel, in that moment, I felt as if Jesus was holding me and I began to cry and as I did I forgave someone in my past that had harmed me and I let go after so many years. It was as if a weight had been lifted off of me. As Fr. Jacque Philippe states “to not forgive is to allow a poison to run through your veins” and after letting go I realized how I had been holding on to this pain for so many years. Then a few days later back at Holy Apostles in front of Jesus I forgave myself and it was if a fog lifted in my mind and memories came flooding back to me that I had forgotten. Then I was overcome with a true sense of peace and joy that filled me. I was changed. Another moment that I would not know how to fully explain to others.
Now I enjoy talking about my faith when I can. And it gives me joy to share in how amazing our God is and how He works in our lives and walks with us even when we don’t know or have pushed Him away. I also feel so alive and blessed as I have built faith-filled relationships with others and formed a close group of friends.
One of my favorite times of day is what I call “lunch time with Jesus”. This is the time of day where I go to Holy Apostles and sit with our Lord typically in the main church so I can speak out loud to Jesus or pray the rosary and then to have time to just “be” with our Lord and listen. I usually find that I enter with the stress and pressure of my job on certain days and by the time I am ready to leave to go back to work I feel a sense of peace and my mind is refreshed.
I recall hearing how we should strive to bring Jesus into the moments of our daily life. Fr. Joe shared with me at one point that when I know I am going to face a challenging person in my day to pray for that encounter and bring Jesus into the actual situation. When we choose Christ first and open ourselves up and pay attention the growth and transformation begins. Fr. Mike Schmitz shared that “when you make yourself available to God he will use you”.
As with me, God continues to push me out of my comfort zone as I walk with him in this discernment journey of hurdling logistics as I look forward to the day that I can enter the convent with the Franciscan Sisters of Christian Charity. He also has been working on my confidence to share with larger groups like this gathering today. And I do this because that is what He is asking of me at this time.
In today’s Gospel reading from Matthew we heard “You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father.” What jumps out at me is “that your light must shine before others”. We are called to share how God works in our lives through our daily words and actions. Each one of us is a light in this world. How is God calling you to share your light with others? How is Jesus working through you in your daily prayer life and the time you spend face to face with Him in Adoration?
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